Everything You Ever Wanted to Know
About the
Glove of Darth Vader, but Were
Afraid to Ask
The
Glove of
Darth Vader, Chapter Seven:
The Captain’s Reward
By
Luke tells Artoo to free
the Whaladons—but Artoo can't find a way to do it. (Personally, I think it would have been a
better idea to ask Artoo to release the Whaladon's before activating the self-destruct, but who am I to argue with a
Jedi Knight?) Suddenly, Threepio shouts,
"Oh no, Master Luke, Trioculus has found us! We're doomed!"
The battle between
Skywalker and Trioculus is not only short, but also epic. To give you the best idea of what it was
like, I'll turn this section over to everyone's favorite combat commentators:
Fode and Beed!
Fode: Laaaaadies and gentlethings, welcome,
welcome, welcome to Mon Calamari!
Beed: <We're broadcasting live from the Whaladon-hunting submarine of Captain Dunwell!>
Fode: That's absolutely right—
C-3PO: Oh no, Master Luke,
Trioculus has found us! We're doomed!
Fode: And there's the starting bell! In one corner we have Trioculus of
Kessel! Formerly Supreme Slavelord, now
Emperor of the galaxy! Looks like he's
dressed to kill, Beed. And what's that
on his forehead?
Fode: And in the other corner, Luke Skywalker, Jedi
Knight!
Beed: <That name sounds familiar...>
Trioculus: Your droid has grasped the situation well,
Skywalker. Now prepare to die!
Fode: He's raising his glove...
Beed: <He's pointing it at Skywalker...>
Fode: And you know what that means!
Fode and Beed: Instant
disintegration!
Fode: Wait, looks like Skywalker isn't going down
without a fight. He's ducking behind
Dunwell!
Beed: <He's lifting the captain up off the
floor!>
Fode: Great globs of bantha poodoo! He actually threw Dunwell at Trioculus!
They're both down for the count!
Beed: <Let's get an instant replay on that.>
Fode: Absolutely amazing! Skywalker has his lightsaber out now—
Artoo: Jeeep
booo poooooz!
Threepio: Success!
Artoo has instructed the master control to free the Whaladons!
Beed: <Did you hear that, Fode? That little
droid always comes through at the last minute.>
Fode: I did hear that, and this may be the last minute, Beed. The alarms are getting louder, and if someone
doesn't win this battle soon, it'll mean a permanent time-out for everyone!
Beed: <Trioculus is raising his left hand now,
Fode.>
Fode: He's trying the lightning attack! This happened the last time Skywalker went
head-to-head with an Emperor. Let's hope
it doesn't take him by surprise.
Beed: <Nice move! Skywalker's deflected the lightning with his
lightsaber!>
Fode: Trioculus is in trouble! Look at the way his eyes bulge! All three of them!
Beed: <Last time I saw a look like that was on a
Gran being eaten by clodhoppers on Stend IV!>
Fode: Wait, he's increasing the voltage now, and he's hit Skywalker right in the
chest! What an attack!
Beed: <It's electrifying, Fode, but the shock
from his implant could kill him before he finishes off Skywalker!>
Fode: That three-eyed mutant is out of his mind!
Beed: <Skywalker's down!>
Fode: Looks like Trioculus wins this round. Trioculus, now that you've beaten the last of
the Jedi, what are you going to do next?
Trioculus: Hissa, power up the escape sub! Quickly!
Beed: <Wait, Skywalker has shaken it off! He's running down the corridor!>
Fode: Looks like this contest ends in a tie.
Trioculus: You may have escaped from Emperor Palpatine,
but I shall destroy you, Skywalker! You
have my promise!
Luke keeps on running until
he reaches the minisub. Luke didn't
abandon Artoo and Threepio; they just snuck into the sub while the authors
weren't looking. A quick bounce over the
squid (the authors forgot the droids, but remembered the squid?) and they're
free. So are the Whaladons, who are led
through the
Meanwhile, Trioculus and
Dunwell reach the escape sub with only two minutes to spare. Hissa and Emdee are waiting, and Dunwell
tries to get aboard first. Hissa stops
him (one minute and fifty nine seconds) and explains that no one will enter the
escape sub before the Supreme Ruler of the Empire, the True Master of the Dark
Side. Even when facing imminent death,
Hissa is a stickler for protocol.
Dunwell turns to Trioculus (one minute and thirty seconds) and says:
"And are you the True Master of the Dark
Side? I thought a Master of the Dark
Side didn't need to rely on mechanical devices to give him lightning power or
to make the glove of Darth—"
He is interrupted here by
Trioculus (one minute), who says that he is perfectly right, and lets him go
into the sub first.
Not so! Actually Trioculus pushes him out of the way
(fifty-four seconds) and suddenly feels a stabbing pain in his eyes. (Dun dun dun!) He straps himself in, and Hissa and Emdee do
the same. Dunwell tries one last time to
board (thirty seconds) but is stopped by Trioculus. He orders Dunwell to go down with his
ship. Revealing the fact that he had
been spying on the three-eyed one probably wasn't the smartest thing Dunwell
had ever done, but let's not forget that (ten) his brain (nine) was partially
(eight) disintegrated a few moments (seven) ago. Trioculus uses (six) the Power of (five) the
Glove on (four) Dunwell once more, (three) and the escape sub (two) zips away
(one).
The Whaladon-hunting
submarine explodes1 , and Dunwell's reign of
terror in the Calamarian seas is ended.
In the escape sub, an evil smile spreads across Trioculus's face. With the Glove, no one will challenge his
right to the throne...or so he thinks....
On Yavin, Luke and the
droids deliver a complete report to SPIN.
Now that Empire Proper and warlords will be reunited under one leader,
the
And speaking of Whaladons,
Luke and all his buddies have been invited to a special concert of Whaladon
songs back on Mon Calamari. Its
spectacular program includes a water ballet, Whaladon folk melodies, classical
Whaladon songs, and even an opera composed by Leviathor. Sounds just thrilling, doesn't it? Even with all this merriment, Luke can't help
but remember Trioculus's vow, "I shall destroy you, Skywalker! You have my promise!"
THE END
(For now.)
The State of the
Galactic Civil War essay, by Abel G. Peña
(http://www.myuselessknowledge.com/swfa/civilwar.html)
(http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=9373672&page=1)
And of course...
The original Everything You
Ever Wanted to Know About the Glove of Darth Vader (But Were Afraid to Ask)
thread at the Jedi Council forums
(http://boards.theforce.net/Literature/b10003/11701723/p1)
Although the original was never completed in
this thread, this project would never have been the same without all the
wonderful (and sometimes hilarious) discussions there. You can see also see some of the wonderful
mistakes I made (such as the Doomed City of Aquarius and oxygen breathing plants)
which I have edited out in this version to make me look better.
1 Without any of the Davids’
routine literary sound effects, thank the maker.