Everything You
Ever Wanted to Know
About the
Glove
of Darth Vader, but Were
Afraid to Ask
The
Glove of
Darth Vader, Chapter Four:
Endangered Whaladons
By
The Empire’s
stock of probe droids takes a severe depleting, as
hundreds upon
hundreds of the little gobbling machines are spit out into space in
search of
Darth Vader’s glove (which kinda gives new perspective to the whole
“needle in
a haystack” thing).1
Logically, the probe droids would be sent out in the general
direction
of Endor and the worlds surrounding it (Annaj, Bakura, Firriere,
Rattatak). But our would-be Emperor is
nothing if not thorough – he sends the probe droids in every single
direction,
through each general area of the SW galaxy!
Even if they can’t find the glove, they might be able to give
him some
other useful info, right? In the
meantime, Trioculus decides against moving to Hoth just yet (Wampas and
blizzards can wait).
Yet, all the probed droids are turning up is crap:
Death Star debris, runaway prisoners,
unexploded bombs, Alliance starships (hey, what would an Imperial
warlord do
with that kind of info anyway?), bounty hunters stealing Imperial
weapons –
stuff which Ysanne Isard, Lord Shadowspawn and Warlord Zsinj would kill
for. But it means nothing to Trioculus,
not even that missing command speeder that went racing off into a
dangerous,
radioactive asteroid belt at the first sign of the metal squid. He wants the glove!
Being 2 legit 2 quit, Trioculus takes out his
frustrations on poor
giant fezfe
beetles in the mountains of Kessel. He
nails three, earning the rave reviews of Grand Moff Hissa, but it ain’t
pleasing our three-eyed man. He wants
something bigger, nastier, more dangerous to kill. Something like the
star
dragons of the Cona ammonia jungles, maybe. Before Hissa can set that
up,
though (or even suggest a krayt dragon of Tatooine or a Dathomir
rancor),
Trioculus changes topics and asks: “Have any more troops questioned my
right to
be Emperor?”
Hissa notes that even the stormtroopers, that most
fanatically,
mindlessly
loyal segment of the Imperial populace, are bitching about their new
three-eyed
master. “I want their names,” Trioculus snarls. “Their treason shall be
punished!”
Not bothering to mention that stormtroopers don’t
have names (only
numbers)2,
Hissa brings up that a salvage ship found what looked like a glove this
morning
– turned out to be only a rusty old droid’s hand. Trioculus
could give a $#!^ about that. He
wants the glove, and wants it now! NOW
NOW NOW NOW!!!
Anyway. Returning to
his sleek black
palace from his third beetle hunt, Trioculus and his whipping boy are
met by an
agent from Mon Calamari. He came in a Carrack
cruiser filled to bursting with the delicacy of delicacies – huge hunks
of
fresh Whaladon meat! While the meat’s gone to the palace kitchen, the
agent
delivers a holodisc to Trioculus while Hissa fills out the delivery
paperwork. (“Sign here, sir…and here…and
right up here…”) Ordering for no one to
disturb him while he views the disk, Trioculus retires to one of his
(many)
private chambers. Within minutes he
hears “Dark Greetings!” from a white-bearded (though the illustration
shows a
black beard with a white stripe over the chin) man with a reddish,
leathery
face. Wearing a naval uniform covered with buttons and medals, the man
(Captain
Dunwell) reports that he has made an Astounding Discovery!
(Cue infomercial music). He’s
already reported this Astounding
Discovery (music) to the Central Committee of Grand Moffs, who of
course told
him to tell the big man himself.
(Dunwell and the Grand Moffs have always been best buds). Dunwell urges Trioculus to come to the Whaladon Processing Center on Calamari
immediately, so he
can see for himself this Astounding Discovery! (music)3
The next
scene takes place on
the watery world of Mon Calamari, a world never seen or mentioned in
the
movies, but an increasingly popular location in the Expanded Universe
since the
days of Dark Empire. Actually, “Mon
Calamari” isn’t the true name of the planet, merely an inaccurate
designation
used by outsiders. While the natives
call their world “Dac”, the rest of the galaxy has been using “Mon
Calamari”
for so many years that the name has stuck.
This in spite of the fact that it results in sentences like
this:
“Salmakk was a Mon Calamari from Mon Calamari.”
Clearly “Dac” is the superior name, if only because it is
shorter and
therefore easier to type.
“Mon Calamari” is also inaccurate because there are
four other
intelligent
species native to the planet besides, well, the Mon Calamari. These include the Whaladons, and speaking of
Whaladons, here comes one now! This is
Leviathor, the great white Whaladon. No,
seriously. He’s the leader of the
Whaladons, and he is visiting the Whaladon graveyard.
This is not, as one might expect, the place
where old Whaladons come to die (presumably after living in the
Tatooine
Retirement Home for Aged Aliens). No, this is a dumping ground for
Dunwell and
his poachers. After being processed for
their meat at the nearby Whaladon Processing Center, the remains of the
Whaladons are dumped here. The poachers
have only been active for a few years, but already the entire sea floor
in this
region is white with the bones of murdered Whaladons.
On page 38 of the Glove of Darth Vader we can see a
good picture of
Leviathor,
who looks an awful lot like… um, a humpback whale.
Look, I realize that pretty much any way you
draw a space whale it ends up looking a lot like an earth whale anyway,
but
they could have at least tried… Also, the whole “save the
whales” thing
detracts from the otherwise cool tale of Leviathor, particularly in
blatant
sentences such as “Leviathor knew he had to save his endangered species
before
it was too late.” Though their concepts
are not irredeemable, the Davids writing style is seriously lacking in
subtlety.
Anyway, Leviathor sees a yellow light, and knows
that Dunwell and his
Aqualish
cronies are coming for him in a sea-going vessel. He
then does what any quick-thinking Whaladon
would do—he turns all the way around to look at it.
Sort of like a deer in a headlight. It’s
probably this sort of behavior that causes certain sources to list the
Whaladon
as less than sentient.4
Actually,
they are quite sentient, if not the swiftest thinkers in the galaxy. Fortunately, Leviathor escapes, and heads to
the “Domed City of Aquarius, the undersea center of civilization on
Calamari”
for help. The “Domed City of Aquarius” is
not to be confused with the water-world Aquaris in the Expansion Region.
After escaping from the asteroid field, Admiral
Ackbar takes Luke and
the
droids to Calamari, where Threepio hopes to be returned to his usual
gold-and-silver at the Droid Repair Shop in the Domed City of Aquarius. The full address, presumably, is “Droid Repair
Shop, Domed City of Aquarius, Water World of Mon Calamari (Not the
Water World
of Aquaris), Outer Rim System of Mon Calamari, Galactic Region of the
Outer Rim
Territories, Galaxy Far, Far Away”, etc, etc.
The reason for this little detour is that that
Ackbar believes they
will be
spotted by the Empire if they "fly" near Yavin. (Luke,
of course, whines "But Mon Mothma
and Princess Leia are waiting for that information now.")
Once at Calamari, the party lands on Pisces, one of
the floating cities. From there, they take
a Calamarian shuttle
submarine (sing it now: "We all ride in a shuttle submarine, a shuttle
submarine, a shuttle subma—okay, I'll stop) to the Domed City Aquarius. Aquarius is notable because it is the only
(presumably Calamarian; the Quarren live deep underwater) city located
entirely
underwater. It's described as a gigantic
bubble, half water and half air. Harmony
and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding--that sort of thing. Kinda cool.
Unfortunately, it hasn't been used in many EU sources—most
authors tend
to go for the flashier5
Crystal
Reef or Foamwander cities. After GODV,
it seems, the age of Aquarius has ended.
Because the city is half filled with water,
Leviathor is able to swim
right
down the city's largest canal. When
Luke, Ackbar, and the droids disembark, they hear Leviathor's call for
help. Ackbar is one of the few Mon Cals
who can understand Whaladon songs, and he is deeply moved by
Leviathor's tale
of woe. He agrees to help, and Luke
joins in with a "Me too" that is every bit as dramatic as the one in
Return of the Jedi.
Next: We
extend a most Imperial
welcome to Emperor Trioculus at the Whaladon Processing Center!
1 This
section guest
written by Christopher McElroy.
2
Actually,
TheForce.Net message board member Valiento pointed out that: “Kyle Katarn,
Davin
Felth, Janzor, Strandor, Dower, Tak Bazierre, Pargo, Zeth Durron,
Wallen, Tarl,
Irol, Elsek, Barich, Oberk, Misik, Drelosyn, Drazin, Avarik, etc, had
both
names and numbers. Not to mention that many stormtrooper prototypes
(clone
troopers) had nicknames as well.
According to Pax Emperica: The Wookiee Annihilation, all
cloned
stormtroopers received names, and they even called each other by their
names.”
3
Adrick
Tolliver
resumes the narrative beginning with the following paragraph.
4 At the time this was written, the Geonosis and the Outer Rim Sourcebook had listed Whaladons as a creature rather than a sentient being. Though this was later explained as role playing mechanics, there was some discussion as to the sentient status of the Whaladons. I was poking fun at this fact.
5 But not fishier.